So I've been doing anything and everything possible to keep away from everyone and I guess it's time for me to get back into the real world and confront what I've been avoiding. I appreciate everyone concern for me, believe it or not it's been a really big help.
I miss my little girl so much! I miss her every day. I miss how she was always so excited to see me whenever I came home from work. I miss trying to get her to smile even though Hailey was truly the only one that could get her to. I still miss trying. I miss holding her, hugging and kissing her. I even miss having to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her or change her diaper. The only thing to get her to sleep at night would be an app on my phone that played music, and it took a long time to find the one song that would do it for her. I can't even get myself to go through my apps because I know that I will come across it. I don't want to delete it because it was the only thing that was only between me and her. Jake could never just play it and she'd calm down, it had to be me and I'm sorry to say it but I loved that only I could do that for her. I miss watching her watch her big sister. I swear it was her favorite past time. I had plans to get pictures taken of the two of them, matching of course, because how could you pass that up with two little girls. I never got them done and I'm so upset about it. I still have the outfits and I don't know what to do with them. I won't let Hailey wear hers because it makes me so sad to think that Natiley will never get to wear hers. They matched straight down to the shoes. I promised Natiley that I will never let any other baby wear her clothes or play with her toys so it's hard to see Hailey begging to wear her outfit of the two sets but I know I should. A week before Natiley passed we found out that we're having another baby. I'll admit, I was scared, stressed, worried, etc. I realized Natiley was going to turn 1 in September and i was due in November. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be with the two of them. Now I wish that I still had her, it was going to be hard but at least I still had my baby girl. I've been so sad and hurt that I haven't paid attention to this pregnancy at all. I'm 3 months along and I could really care less. I know I should be happy but I'm afraid. Afraid that this new baby will remind me so much of Natiley that I won't even want to be around it or hold it. I don't know what to do. I'm trying my hardest but all I can do is imagine my first sights of this baby and see Natiley and push it away. I never really got to say goodbye to my little girl, the last time I saw her, I was in a rush to get to work, I handed her off to Jake without a kiss and just left. I remember looking back at her to see if she was watching, she was, and I just waved and said be good. Never did I think that was going to be the last time i saw my little girl alive. The entire time I was at work, something kept telling me to just go home but I didn't, I just kept telling myself to stay. I should have left.
Well what's done is done but i'll never move on. I just hope one day I'll be able to not hurt so much. I've been ignoring everyones attempt to get anything out of me and I'm sorry. I'm trying but it will take some time.
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