Someone to talk to.

As I look back at my year, I'm sad to say, it's not a year I ever want to remember. So much has happened that I'm ashamed, upset and just lost. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with everything and I just want/need someone to talk to. My year in review has saddened me. It's made me into a person I've never wanted to be but I became that person. I've shunned my husband, I've hurt my mother in ways that a child shouldn't. I've treated Hailey in ways that I said I never would and I was to proud yet too ashamed to confront what was really going on. Now that the year is ending I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I've done so much wrong that i'll never be able to fix it. My relationship with Jake is on the edge. One little push and it's over. I don't want that, I'm trying to pull, pull it back but I'm having a hard time seeing a reason to. In the last two weeks it's teetering more than ever. I've pushed and he's trying to pull. I've tried to pull but something is keeping me from really trying. It's just so much easier to push but I know that if I do, I'll regret the decision. The only reason I feel like I'm pulling is because of my girls, I can't find a really to pull for myself. I know that if I let go, it's not only goodbye for myself but it's goodbye for my girls. He'll never come back and that scares me so much. I feel alone and lost with no one to help me  get back. I find myself jealous of a new friendship that Jake has, jealous so much that I tell myself I don't care, but I do. I care so much that I lie just so that he doesn't see my insecurities. A month or so ago, I posted something on facebook that said I don't want help, I don't want your attention  if it's not sincere but I see that, it has made me push more than I ever wanted. I'm about to lose my best friend (which I know I've treated like my enemy) I'm about to lose the love of my life and the father to my children and I don't know what to do. Everything in me says push but everything in me also says hold on for dear life. I don't know what to do, I need someone to talk to, anyone. If you willing to listen please let me know because I don't know what to do anymore. I need help.