Let's Try This Again

I'm Back!!! I think.... well i'm pretty sure i'm back at least i want to be back.
SOOOO here's what's up!

Hailey is now 4 going on 16. She is one spicy little girl with a kick. She wants to be a ballerina, a princess and super strong. Every day she tries to flex her little muscles and makes me feel how strong she's getting. I love it! She wants to be stronger than mom and dad!

Meya is now 9 months old! Time is flying way to fast, i need her to be my little newborn baby again. I can still remember the day we brought her home(actually i can still remember the day we brought Hailey home) she's just grown so much. She's trying to walk now and she's even saying mom, dad, baba, hi and i seriously thought i heard her try to say Hailey's name but it's probably just wishful thinking.

I really need to take more pictures, my girls are so much alike but so different. I can't wait for them to start playing with each other more. Right now it's more like Hailey walks and Meya follows behind in a crawl. If Meya cries it will drive Hailey crazy if someone doesn't go get her, she hates to see her baby sister cry.. It makes my heart so happy to know that they love each other so much already.

I can't think of a title but at least I'm here....

So I've been doing anything and everything possible to keep away from everyone and I guess it's time for me to get back into the real world and confront what I've been avoiding. I appreciate everyone concern for me, believe it or not it's been a really big help.

I miss my little girl so much! I miss her every day. I miss how she was always so excited to see me whenever I came home from work. I miss trying to get her to smile even though Hailey was truly the only one that could get her to. I still miss trying. I miss holding her, hugging and kissing her. I even miss having to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her or change her diaper. The only thing to get her to sleep at night would be an app on my phone that played music, and it took a long time to find the one song that would do it for her. I can't even get myself to go through my apps because I know that I will come across it. I don't want to delete it because it was the only thing that was only between me and her. Jake could never just play it and she'd calm down, it had to be me and I'm sorry to say it but I loved that only I could do that for her. I miss watching her watch her big sister. I swear it was her favorite past time. I had plans to get pictures taken of the two of them, matching of course, because how could you pass that up with two little girls. I never got them done and I'm so upset about it. I still have the outfits and I don't know what to do with them. I won't let Hailey wear hers because it makes me so sad to think that Natiley will never get to wear hers. They matched straight down to the shoes. I promised Natiley that I will never let any other baby wear her clothes or play with her toys so it's hard to see Hailey begging to wear her outfit of the two sets but I know I should. A week before Natiley passed we found out that we're having another baby. I'll admit, I was scared, stressed, worried, etc. I realized Natiley was going to turn 1 in September and i was due in November. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be with the two of them. Now I wish that I still had her, it was going to be hard but at least I still had my baby girl. I've been so sad and hurt that I haven't paid attention to this pregnancy at all. I'm 3 months along and I could really care less. I know I should be happy but I'm afraid. Afraid that this new baby will remind me so much of Natiley that I won't even want to be around it or hold it. I don't know what to do. I'm trying my hardest but all I can do is imagine my first sights of this baby and see Natiley and push it away. I never really got to say goodbye to my little girl, the last time I saw her, I was in a rush to get to work, I handed her off to Jake without a kiss and just left. I remember looking back at her to see if she was watching, she was, and I just waved and said be good. Never did I think that was going to be the last time i saw my little girl alive. The entire time I was at work, something kept telling me to just go home but I didn't, I just kept telling myself to stay. I should have left.

Well what's done is done but i'll never move on. I just hope one day I'll be able to not hurt so much. I've been ignoring everyones attempt to get anything out of me and I'm sorry. I'm trying but it will take some time.

On a brighter note!

The end of the year is arriving and with that comes new year resolutions. I've got a few, First- I want to work on my relationships, friendship and gain new ones. I want to be a more personable person. Second- I want to get back to my High School weight. That's pretty common resolution but I feel that since I've gained weight, I've lost a big chunk of my personality and confidence. I want it back. Third- Speaking of confidence, a way that I feel I will gain some of that back is to be me and that's what I'm going to do. I am growing out my hair but not just growing it out. Ever since I was 10 I've had my hair relaxed therefore I'm not really sure what my natural hair looks like, so I'm going Natural! I've started the process already. The last time I relaxed my hair was August. I am now 4 months into it and I'm loving it. I've started another blog about it called Journey to be Natural. If anyone wants to follow it feel free. It's just something I'm doing for myself. I haven't posted too much on it yet but it will be constantly updated probably more than this one. At least I hope so. Forth and final- I want to work on me! Plain and simple, I want to be a better person and a better mom. I'll try to get my link to my other blog on here at sometime in the next week.

Someone to talk to.

As I look back at my year, I'm sad to say, it's not a year I ever want to remember. So much has happened that I'm ashamed, upset and just lost. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with everything and I just want/need someone to talk to. My year in review has saddened me. It's made me into a person I've never wanted to be but I became that person. I've shunned my husband, I've hurt my mother in ways that a child shouldn't. I've treated Hailey in ways that I said I never would and I was to proud yet too ashamed to confront what was really going on. Now that the year is ending I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I've done so much wrong that i'll never be able to fix it. My relationship with Jake is on the edge. One little push and it's over. I don't want that, I'm trying to pull, pull it back but I'm having a hard time seeing a reason to. In the last two weeks it's teetering more than ever. I've pushed and he's trying to pull. I've tried to pull but something is keeping me from really trying. It's just so much easier to push but I know that if I do, I'll regret the decision. The only reason I feel like I'm pulling is because of my girls, I can't find a really to pull for myself. I know that if I let go, it's not only goodbye for myself but it's goodbye for my girls. He'll never come back and that scares me so much. I feel alone and lost with no one to help me  get back. I find myself jealous of a new friendship that Jake has, jealous so much that I tell myself I don't care, but I do. I care so much that I lie just so that he doesn't see my insecurities. A month or so ago, I posted something on facebook that said I don't want help, I don't want your attention  if it's not sincere but I see that, it has made me push more than I ever wanted. I'm about to lose my best friend (which I know I've treated like my enemy) I'm about to lose the love of my life and the father to my children and I don't know what to do. Everything in me says push but everything in me also says hold on for dear life. I don't know what to do, I need someone to talk to, anyone. If you willing to listen please let me know because I don't know what to do anymore. I need help.

Introducing Natiley Ann Meier

So Natiley is one month old and I have yet to introduce her to this world. Bad (BUSY) Mom!!

Welcome, Natiley!! I spent months wondering if she'd would look like her sister and she looks nothing like her, but I'm starting to see similar facial expressions that Hailey did, so every once in a while they look almost like twins.

I evicted her on Sept 20, 2010 and I'm sure glad I did. Weighing in at 7lbs 7oz and 19.5 inches. She gave the nurse a little bit of a hard time because she didn't want to open her eyes and still doesn't like to. She prefers it dark and loves watching her big sister. She's learning the good, the bad and the famous extremely LOUD cry from dear sister.

I've been very bad at taking pictures of her, so I only have one and sadly it's on the computer with the broken screen, so pictures will come as soon as I stop slacking. They say the second one is the easiest and so far I'm living it, she's much more of an easy going girl compared to her sister but I think that's only because she's also a very lazy baby, she loves to people watch.

OH HAILEY!!!

My dear darling daughter, I love that you want to help do the dishes. I love that you want to help take out the garbage. I love that you want to help clean up, even if that means your toys stay where you want them and not where they should be. I love that you want to help with the laundry, I love that you love to dance, I love that you love looking at yourself in the mirror,especially when you have a new hair style. I love that you want to help put the dishes away. I love that you like to hide everywhere. I love that you want to draw. I love that you want to dress/undress yourself. I love that your nice to everyone you meet.

BUT...

....Your just a little too short to reach the sink without giving yourself a bath with dirty water

....I only have so many things that you can actually take to the garbage can

....I really can't clean up if they are all over the floor.

....I really only need a little bit of laundry detergent, not the whole box.

....I can only spin in circles for a limited amount of time before I get sick.

....That new hair style is only attainable when you actually sit still to get it

....It scares sometimes how you hold the glasses, please don't break any, at least not yet.

....Please try not to hide in a room with the door closed, especially when you go in those tight places I can't reach.

....The walls, tub, shower, you tummy and inside cupboards are not the most ideal places to draw.

....I really would like for you to let me know when your going to change your own diaper, especially when it's a bad one.

....We really need to work on that stranger awareness thing, just because they say Hi and tell you your beautiful doesn't mean, mommy and daddy are okay with you walking off with them.

BUT most of all, I love your personality, that a hug and kiss will always cheer you up, that you love to explore. I love you and I hope you never change! If you ever do, I hope it's only shows me how much more I love you.

So I've been thinking...

So i've been doing a little bit of thinking because that's all I ever really do since I'm done with school and everything. Jake has been dropping HUGE hints about moving. Not only moving but moving out of state and I've always just given him the I'll think about it but I never really did, so lately I've thought about it and I've finally decided that the move would probably be a good thing for us. So we've both decided to move but I haven't decided quite yet where exactly. Jake wants to move back to Georgia, but even though his friends and family would love for him to be back they've also told me it's probably not a good idea, so I'm kinda iffy on Georgia but I was thinking maybe somewhere in Florida so that if he wanted to go visit friends in Georgia it's a little easier. It would also make it a little easier for me to go visit my family in Bahamas and for them to come visit since only less than a forth have actually met Hailey and I really don't like that. But like I said, I've only been thinking so nothing is set in stone yet, but it's getting there. So more thinking will be done.